Humbled to see that message of hope and possibilities resonated with many. In my personal experiences, it has served as best antidote for various form of toxicity from workplace to kids' soccer field.
Yes! But i’ve also learned to ask specific things like “can i cook you dinner tonight?” Or “can i come over later and just in silence with you?” Because sometimes when we’re in an overwhelming amount of pain, broader questions can feel too big for our brains to come up with answers to the things we actually need.
"Feeling supported" in some cases might mean taking the responsibility for changing something that you can change to acknowledge the validity of another person's complaints. If people Chicken Little sometimes, it's because small useful changes are so frequently made out to be very difficult by people who have considerable power and responsibility for a situation that's causing bad feelings. When small transformations seem bafflingly unavailable, feelings quickly skyrocket to doom and gloom. Simply reframing from toxic positivity to empty empathy isn't a useful change when the buck is sitting on your desk. I don't especially care when I'm talking to someone with leadership responsibilities whether they tell me to just stay positive or they say "that must be really hard" if I'm telling them that they're adding to my burdens with inaction (or by creating a negative situation that isn't necessary)--those statements amount to the same thing, which is a polite way of refusing responsibility. In that circumstance, I'd rather someone acknowledge that this is a problem, explain why the problem exists, and say clearly that for the moment, it's not going to change than I would have them try to cheer me up or feel bad for me.
My only quibble on this post is the line ‘what can I do?’ in the image. Just do, don’t ask, don’t add one more unanswered unanswerable question to my list.
That's interesting, because I have a friend who is an oncology social worker who tells people to ask the suffering what they need. How can we know when to just do, and when we should ask?
I certainly don’t have that figured out, but I think in times of despair there is an opportunity for those who know us to show they know us and take initiative. And it could be as simple as offering a choice: would you like me to bring a meal or bring a treat? Then it’s less open ended. And to be clear, I think any kindness (including ‘what can I do?’) is better than abandonment.
Yes exactly! I just commented on someone’s comment earlier saying the same thing. Its always better to ask specific questions so the person doesn’t feel too overwhelmed.
I currently work in a very toxic environment where I am constantly being told to stay positive. My feelings don't matter and all I ask for is support and my peers don't get that. I wish they would read this! Thank you for your words and understanding. As always, I have nothing but love for you Adam!!
I never knew that “toxic positivity” term exist. But the way Adam wrote it made me remember the time when I had depression. In spite of being surrounded by people who
Love me, their words of encouragement never reached me and the more they give positive encouragement the more that I want to be alone and move away from them. The words of encouragement felt that I was drowning and I can’t breathe properly.
Reading The Psalms in The Bible is the greatest help and comfort,not for facile "cheering up",many of them express in bitter and truthfull words the depths of alienation and misery of what we customarily call Depression.
So much truth here. As a cancer survivor I can't tell you how many comments and books and cards I got from people telling me to be positive. It was of no help. I remember once someone just holding my hand while I cried. It was the best thing anyone could have done for me. When I meet others who have cancer my go-to is the last one on your list, that sucks.
I read back in ancient times, your close friends would sit with you for hours on end - saying nothing - when a close friend or relative dies. A friend’s silent presence in their time of distress was a gift in itself.
Agreed. In fact, I would say that being cognizant of emotions such as disappointment and frustration helps us grow and mature as individuals. Recognizing that things may not be where we want them to be, and working towards something better is how we become better, in my opinion. Being constantly told that "things will be ok" or "everything happens for a reason" kind of ignores the reality of a situation, and also may give false hope or encouragement. Insincere positivity can be detrimental in my opinion, and being sincere and honest, even if it isn't the most flattering or kind statement, can be more useful.
There's a spectrum from negative to positive and the nearer you get to any end, the more out of touch with the rational centre you get. Toxicity lives at the furthest reaches and rationality lives at the centre. To function, we need to deviate from the centre just enough to still be viewed as rational and acceptable to our colleagues, friends, family and peers. Once we go beyond that invisible line in either direction, we risk infecting our environment with a toxicity that's bad for everyone's health....
When people are struggling, positivity can feel out of reach. It's empathy that bridges the gap, offering understanding before we can even think about the brighter side.
This is mostly an American issue,, though it has spread into other cultures through US cultural hegemony. Two decades ago I talked to a psychiatrist working on his thesis about happiness as an illness. There is this simplistic thinking and belief associating being happy as something good, and not being happy as bad. But, as the cliche goes, the world is not black and white. More importantly though, emotional states can have dual natures. Happiness can be good and it can be bad, and it can be both at the same time. While the term toxic positivity seems to use a fashionable term, I do find toxic a useful term. Using it in conjunction with happoness should lead to a bounty of new insights. Thanks for sharing.
These are great resources. Too often I am at a loss for words-wanting to express concern and empathy but not knowing the best way to do so. Unfortunately, sometimes the worn out cliches leak out!
"No one needs constant positivity, but everyone needs a sense of possibility."
This statement really captures the moment for me. Instead of a positive or stoicism, presenting a beacon of hope goes a longer way.
Humbled to see that message of hope and possibilities resonated with many. In my personal experiences, it has served as best antidote for various form of toxicity from workplace to kids' soccer field.
I love this, thank you! Hope feels like it can hold the pain and the promise at the same time. It does't have to disown the pain to feel positive.
💯
How can I help is one of my favorite responses because it takes all my assumptions and biases out of the conversation!
Yes! But i’ve also learned to ask specific things like “can i cook you dinner tonight?” Or “can i come over later and just in silence with you?” Because sometimes when we’re in an overwhelming amount of pain, broader questions can feel too big for our brains to come up with answers to the things we actually need.
"Feeling supported" in some cases might mean taking the responsibility for changing something that you can change to acknowledge the validity of another person's complaints. If people Chicken Little sometimes, it's because small useful changes are so frequently made out to be very difficult by people who have considerable power and responsibility for a situation that's causing bad feelings. When small transformations seem bafflingly unavailable, feelings quickly skyrocket to doom and gloom. Simply reframing from toxic positivity to empty empathy isn't a useful change when the buck is sitting on your desk. I don't especially care when I'm talking to someone with leadership responsibilities whether they tell me to just stay positive or they say "that must be really hard" if I'm telling them that they're adding to my burdens with inaction (or by creating a negative situation that isn't necessary)--those statements amount to the same thing, which is a polite way of refusing responsibility. In that circumstance, I'd rather someone acknowledge that this is a problem, explain why the problem exists, and say clearly that for the moment, it's not going to change than I would have them try to cheer me up or feel bad for me.
Hella YEAH!!!
My only quibble on this post is the line ‘what can I do?’ in the image. Just do, don’t ask, don’t add one more unanswered unanswerable question to my list.
That's interesting, because I have a friend who is an oncology social worker who tells people to ask the suffering what they need. How can we know when to just do, and when we should ask?
I certainly don’t have that figured out, but I think in times of despair there is an opportunity for those who know us to show they know us and take initiative. And it could be as simple as offering a choice: would you like me to bring a meal or bring a treat? Then it’s less open ended. And to be clear, I think any kindness (including ‘what can I do?’) is better than abandonment.
I love that middle ground of offering the choice!
Yes exactly! I just commented on someone’s comment earlier saying the same thing. Its always better to ask specific questions so the person doesn’t feel too overwhelmed.
I currently work in a very toxic environment where I am constantly being told to stay positive. My feelings don't matter and all I ask for is support and my peers don't get that. I wish they would read this! Thank you for your words and understanding. As always, I have nothing but love for you Adam!!
This all comes down to empathy. If you’re really empathetic, you can be positive and still acknowledge the difficulties.
I never knew that “toxic positivity” term exist. But the way Adam wrote it made me remember the time when I had depression. In spite of being surrounded by people who
Love me, their words of encouragement never reached me and the more they give positive encouragement the more that I want to be alone and move away from them. The words of encouragement felt that I was drowning and I can’t breathe properly.
Reading The Psalms in The Bible is the greatest help and comfort,not for facile "cheering up",many of them express in bitter and truthfull words the depths of alienation and misery of what we customarily call Depression.
So much truth here. As a cancer survivor I can't tell you how many comments and books and cards I got from people telling me to be positive. It was of no help. I remember once someone just holding my hand while I cried. It was the best thing anyone could have done for me. When I meet others who have cancer my go-to is the last one on your list, that sucks.
I read back in ancient times, your close friends would sit with you for hours on end - saying nothing - when a close friend or relative dies. A friend’s silent presence in their time of distress was a gift in itself.
Agreed. In fact, I would say that being cognizant of emotions such as disappointment and frustration helps us grow and mature as individuals. Recognizing that things may not be where we want them to be, and working towards something better is how we become better, in my opinion. Being constantly told that "things will be ok" or "everything happens for a reason" kind of ignores the reality of a situation, and also may give false hope or encouragement. Insincere positivity can be detrimental in my opinion, and being sincere and honest, even if it isn't the most flattering or kind statement, can be more useful.
There's a spectrum from negative to positive and the nearer you get to any end, the more out of touch with the rational centre you get. Toxicity lives at the furthest reaches and rationality lives at the centre. To function, we need to deviate from the centre just enough to still be viewed as rational and acceptable to our colleagues, friends, family and peers. Once we go beyond that invisible line in either direction, we risk infecting our environment with a toxicity that's bad for everyone's health....
When people are struggling, positivity can feel out of reach. It's empathy that bridges the gap, offering understanding before we can even think about the brighter side.
This is mostly an American issue,, though it has spread into other cultures through US cultural hegemony. Two decades ago I talked to a psychiatrist working on his thesis about happiness as an illness. There is this simplistic thinking and belief associating being happy as something good, and not being happy as bad. But, as the cliche goes, the world is not black and white. More importantly though, emotional states can have dual natures. Happiness can be good and it can be bad, and it can be both at the same time. While the term toxic positivity seems to use a fashionable term, I do find toxic a useful term. Using it in conjunction with happoness should lead to a bounty of new insights. Thanks for sharing.
I think it’s about striking a balance.
#everyone needs a sense of possibility!!
These are great resources. Too often I am at a loss for words-wanting to express concern and empathy but not knowing the best way to do so. Unfortunately, sometimes the worn out cliches leak out!
Thank you for this. I look forward to listening to the podcasts.
Thank you Angela. That’s really brilliant!!