Adam’s post made me think of The Courage to Be Disliked, which completely changed how I think about people-pleasing. The book’s central idea is that we often make ourselves miserable by taking responsibility for things that aren’t ours to control—especially other people’s opinions and reactions. One example that stuck with me is the idea that your task is to live according to your values, while someone else’s task is deciding how they judge or respond to you. You can do your best to earn someone’s approval, but whether they like you is ultimately their task, not yours. That distinction can be incredibly freeing, and I highly recommend the book to anyone who struggles with people-pleasing or worrying too much about what others think.
This aligns with the tenet that what other people think about you is none of your business. Cause it’s about them and their confessions of who they are.
Thanks Dan thought perspective for me. Who wrote that book, The Courage to be Disliked, I have been looking for it and there are many listed with different authors.
I remember reading the book and completely being blown away. For years, I thought I was a people pleaser too. So I changed myself, bit by bit. In some areas, it has really helped like confrontation. I can call out red flags, confront people & quite vocal. But then there are days, I wonder if I have managed the symptoms really well without knowing what’s the root cause and how to treat that
Hey Adam - I really enjoy your writing but I found myself wishing for a bit more nuance here--I really don't want us to forget that caring for others can be a powerful part of how we express our values.
A few more words:
Yes, abandoning ourselves out of guilt or to please others (who presumably like the temperature of the car) doesn't make much sense. But there are so many other reasons to show up for each other. Saying yes can be it's own form of self-preservation: honoring the part of us that cares about others and recognizes our interdependence.
That can even connect to the preferences you mentioned. Maybe you choose to pull out your jacket in the Uber, not because you're a shrinking violet but because the driver is overheating and it's an act of care. Personal example: recently my mom really wanted to go to the French Open for her 80th birthday, but I'm not a tennis fan. I was excited to show up for her, not because it was people pleasing but because honoring her preference was a way to way to show love.
I've seen that in how you respond to email, using your time to offer encouragement and kind words.
I know we're in a moment of boundaries, and in part that's a helpful correction especially for those socialized to routinely sacrifice themselves for others. I just don't want us to lose that caring for others and incorporating their preferences can be a beautiful part of what makes us the caring people that we are.
Curious if I missed anything or how this lands with other readers and you!
At the same time I think, that might be two different things. Caring for someone should be (in a healthy relationship) be something that you choose consciously.
People pleasing is (in my experience) something I do without thinking. Learning to take a second to be able to think about weather I really want to meet with someone or if I do it completely out of a survival instinct are in the result maybe the same thing, but internally very different. But I'd be interested: what do you think?
Nice to be in conversation with you: I'm hearing a value of a conscious choice being behind it that's important to you, and I totally agree! Your example is a good one: Slowing down to find the deeper why behind an action is where agency comes from.
The reason they feel linked to me is because the article reads a bit like "don't be a people pleaser, so say no." I want to invite in "a great way to stand up for yourself is to be generous/kind/thoughtful" -- you hit the nail on the head though: it needs to be a conscious choice.
I so agree. This enthusiasm with boundaries has made our world a very cold place. Our young people have been encouraged to be outright rude and have it cheered on on their social media pages. It breaks my heart to watch it
there are several good things already in this thread.
just want to highlight a couple that thrill me.
1] we are socialized to be "nice." and, many of us suffer as a result [especially those whose needs are considered hierarchically low]
2] by saying what we think and what we want and what we need [three different buckets there] we create options for the larger community. and, bring light to what might otherwise remain unconsidered [in the dark]
3] here's where i think you're BRILLIANT -- one person saying the unsaid is just the BEGINNING of the agonism conversation. both [i want the air conditioning on] and [i want it off] get to have an iterative conversation [that alone brings humans closer and more peace] that also will create a new win-win. e.g. [close the partition so the driver has air conditioning and the passenger can OPEN the window getting fresh outside air and some privacy.]
what i think is the harder thing here, is that we're afraid to have self regulated, cool CONVERSATIONS about things we disagree about. and being "nice" is a passive aggressive way of becoming human silos, seething with resentment that eventually explodes.
Once I realized how much my people pleasing habits harmed my long term relationships because of the resentment I unintentionally built up because I was doing so much to accommodate them (in my mind) and they weren't doing the same.
It's self harm at worst, and selfish (as you stated) at best.
I am staying at our second home in Greece, and I love the Greek people because they are direct and say what they think! There aren't a lot of people-pleasing here!
As a recovering people pleaser I have a few thoughts. The biggest thing for me when my energy and attention is going out to others in what I intend as kindness or compromise is motivation. What is my motivation in this moment? Am I truly reaching out because I feel called to be helpful or do I need their approval, acceptance etc in order to feel safety and belonging?
I work to keep my needs front and centre and navigate appropriately in the moment. But to be clear, this takes work. Self assessment, self love and a feeling of befriending myself is just the beginning. Unhooking from a pattern takes daily attention.
Thank you Trudy for sharing your strategy ‘what is my motivation in this moment’. Adam’s post was like permission for me to people please less (much less) and I think your strategy will help :)
As a fellow recovering people-pleaser, I couldn’t agree more. Thanks for breaking this down in a more nuanced manner and reminding us all that saying no helps everyone.
One of the unintended gifts of being bullied early in life is learning that you can't please everyone so f-em. Become a rebel, a maverick, an innovator. Of course, you also need enough people in your life who love and support you just the way you are to give you a reason to care about the world enough to innovate.
I appreciate the distinction and will reflect on being self-focused. For me there’s an additional dimension. My people-pleasing comes from a place of looking for protection, feeling safe, and the insecure attachment explains this well. Anything that I perceive as a protector (God, money, powerful friends) soothes my anxiety.
It's unfortunate that people-pleasing often begins at a very young age. If you didn't comply, you would face trouble. This leaves an imprint that is difficult to change.
As a recovering people please, I can say you are directional right here. But it originates in our first attachment relationship - whoever our primary caregiver may have been and the lack of safety experienced there. Interestingly, while people pleasers see themselves as “nice,” it is fundamentally dishonest and inauthentic. Using others as a reference point for our own worth comes at the extreme cost of loss of self-reference. The cost of this is often under-recognized.
There is a lot of insight here, Adam. And I appreciate your insights -they lift my day and perspective. A decade ago I would’ve said yes (in all caps. ) I think once one heals from having been a people pleaser, then they can move into a more nuanced place, that includes obligation. What is our obligation to other people, in community, in humanity. How to we balance this with the boundary setting no. I think figuring this out-once someone is somewhat healed from ppl pleasing-is an important part of the conversation.
I have worked with recovering people pleasers (starting with myself). So many women get trapped in this place of wanting to be liked. I encourage women to Disappoint More People. And yes, there is nuance but for those who struggle with people pleasing, sometimes the pendulum needs to swing a little before it balances out. I
People pleasing is manipulative. The people pleaser is being inauthentic and manipulative to get approval and validation. It’s fake and very much fear based. It always feels icky and slightly slimy to me when I’m around people pleasers. I have no idea how they actually feel, or what they actually think, but I do know their people pleasing and pleasant demeanor is inauthentic.
Respectful candour is not the opposite of kindness.
This made me smile, but the distinction between being selfish and being self-focused is an important one.
People pleasing can begin as an adaptive way of staying safe, belonging, or avoiding conflict. But what once protected us can eventually prevent us from being honest — with ourselves and with others.
I have come to think that kindness is not the same as accommodation. Sometimes kindness is saying no. Sometimes it is naming the uncomfortable thing. Sometimes it is respectfully disagreeing rather than allowing someone to believe we agree.
And perhaps that is the paradox: when our need to be liked becomes stronger than our willingness to be truthful, people pleasing can actually get in the way of authentic relationships.
Self-respect and respect for others are not opposites. At their best, they require each other.
"The Disease to Please" by Dr. Harriet B. Braiker was the book that cracked this open for me years ago.
Here's what I've learned sits underneath your point about approval-seeking: the confusion between dependence and interdependence.
Dependence says my regulation depends on your approval. If you're pleased, I'm okay.
Interdependence is different. It says I can hold my own center AND stay connected to you. I don't need your reaction to tell me who I am, but I still care about the impact I have on you.
The shift happens when internal motivation becomes the anchor and external motivation becomes information instead of instruction. I still want to know how the driver feels, how my child feels, how my team feels. I just stop letting that feeling cast the deciding vote on my behavior.
Adam’s post made me think of The Courage to Be Disliked, which completely changed how I think about people-pleasing. The book’s central idea is that we often make ourselves miserable by taking responsibility for things that aren’t ours to control—especially other people’s opinions and reactions. One example that stuck with me is the idea that your task is to live according to your values, while someone else’s task is deciding how they judge or respond to you. You can do your best to earn someone’s approval, but whether they like you is ultimately their task, not yours. That distinction can be incredibly freeing, and I highly recommend the book to anyone who struggles with people-pleasing or worrying too much about what others think.
This aligns with the tenet that what other people think about you is none of your business. Cause it’s about them and their confessions of who they are.
Thanks Dan thought perspective for me. Who wrote that book, The Courage to be Disliked, I have been looking for it and there are many listed with different authors.
Hi Beth, it’s by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
Here is the link https://a.co/d/0fNqoDs6
Thank you
I remember reading the book and completely being blown away. For years, I thought I was a people pleaser too. So I changed myself, bit by bit. In some areas, it has really helped like confrontation. I can call out red flags, confront people & quite vocal. But then there are days, I wonder if I have managed the symptoms really well without knowing what’s the root cause and how to treat that
Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” is also a great book for this!
Hey Adam - I really enjoy your writing but I found myself wishing for a bit more nuance here--I really don't want us to forget that caring for others can be a powerful part of how we express our values.
A few more words:
Yes, abandoning ourselves out of guilt or to please others (who presumably like the temperature of the car) doesn't make much sense. But there are so many other reasons to show up for each other. Saying yes can be it's own form of self-preservation: honoring the part of us that cares about others and recognizes our interdependence.
That can even connect to the preferences you mentioned. Maybe you choose to pull out your jacket in the Uber, not because you're a shrinking violet but because the driver is overheating and it's an act of care. Personal example: recently my mom really wanted to go to the French Open for her 80th birthday, but I'm not a tennis fan. I was excited to show up for her, not because it was people pleasing but because honoring her preference was a way to way to show love.
I've seen that in how you respond to email, using your time to offer encouragement and kind words.
I know we're in a moment of boundaries, and in part that's a helpful correction especially for those socialized to routinely sacrifice themselves for others. I just don't want us to lose that caring for others and incorporating their preferences can be a beautiful part of what makes us the caring people that we are.
Curious if I missed anything or how this lands with other readers and you!
Alex <3
Hey Alex,
Inliked that you opened up that aspect.
At the same time I think, that might be two different things. Caring for someone should be (in a healthy relationship) be something that you choose consciously.
People pleasing is (in my experience) something I do without thinking. Learning to take a second to be able to think about weather I really want to meet with someone or if I do it completely out of a survival instinct are in the result maybe the same thing, but internally very different. But I'd be interested: what do you think?
Nice to be in conversation with you: I'm hearing a value of a conscious choice being behind it that's important to you, and I totally agree! Your example is a good one: Slowing down to find the deeper why behind an action is where agency comes from.
The reason they feel linked to me is because the article reads a bit like "don't be a people pleaser, so say no." I want to invite in "a great way to stand up for yourself is to be generous/kind/thoughtful" -- you hit the nail on the head though: it needs to be a conscious choice.
How does that land?
I so agree. This enthusiasm with boundaries has made our world a very cold place. Our young people have been encouraged to be outright rude and have it cheered on on their social media pages. It breaks my heart to watch it
So well put, Eleanor! Let's not be cold for the sake of not people pleasing!
I wrote up a gentle "yes-and" to this article. Would love to hear what you think --> https://slowmindfulness.substack.com/p/the-opposite-of-people-pleasing-isnt
hey Alex, i'll also read your piece.
there are several good things already in this thread.
just want to highlight a couple that thrill me.
1] we are socialized to be "nice." and, many of us suffer as a result [especially those whose needs are considered hierarchically low]
2] by saying what we think and what we want and what we need [three different buckets there] we create options for the larger community. and, bring light to what might otherwise remain unconsidered [in the dark]
3] here's where i think you're BRILLIANT -- one person saying the unsaid is just the BEGINNING of the agonism conversation. both [i want the air conditioning on] and [i want it off] get to have an iterative conversation [that alone brings humans closer and more peace] that also will create a new win-win. e.g. [close the partition so the driver has air conditioning and the passenger can OPEN the window getting fresh outside air and some privacy.]
what i think is the harder thing here, is that we're afraid to have self regulated, cool CONVERSATIONS about things we disagree about. and being "nice" is a passive aggressive way of becoming human silos, seething with resentment that eventually explodes.
Once I realized how much my people pleasing habits harmed my long term relationships because of the resentment I unintentionally built up because I was doing so much to accommodate them (in my mind) and they weren't doing the same.
It's self harm at worst, and selfish (as you stated) at best.
I am staying at our second home in Greece, and I love the Greek people because they are direct and say what they think! There aren't a lot of people-pleasing here!
You'd love Philly 🥨
As a recovering people pleaser I have a few thoughts. The biggest thing for me when my energy and attention is going out to others in what I intend as kindness or compromise is motivation. What is my motivation in this moment? Am I truly reaching out because I feel called to be helpful or do I need their approval, acceptance etc in order to feel safety and belonging?
I work to keep my needs front and centre and navigate appropriately in the moment. But to be clear, this takes work. Self assessment, self love and a feeling of befriending myself is just the beginning. Unhooking from a pattern takes daily attention.
Thank you Trudy for sharing your strategy ‘what is my motivation in this moment’. Adam’s post was like permission for me to people please less (much less) and I think your strategy will help :)
Awesome! Good luck, I do hope it helps.
As a fellow recovering people-pleaser, I couldn’t agree more. Thanks for breaking this down in a more nuanced manner and reminding us all that saying no helps everyone.
One of the unintended gifts of being bullied early in life is learning that you can't please everyone so f-em. Become a rebel, a maverick, an innovator. Of course, you also need enough people in your life who love and support you just the way you are to give you a reason to care about the world enough to innovate.
I appreciate the distinction and will reflect on being self-focused. For me there’s an additional dimension. My people-pleasing comes from a place of looking for protection, feeling safe, and the insecure attachment explains this well. Anything that I perceive as a protector (God, money, powerful friends) soothes my anxiety.
It's unfortunate that people-pleasing often begins at a very young age. If you didn't comply, you would face trouble. This leaves an imprint that is difficult to change.
As a recovering people please, I can say you are directional right here. But it originates in our first attachment relationship - whoever our primary caregiver may have been and the lack of safety experienced there. Interestingly, while people pleasers see themselves as “nice,” it is fundamentally dishonest and inauthentic. Using others as a reference point for our own worth comes at the extreme cost of loss of self-reference. The cost of this is often under-recognized.
There is a lot of insight here, Adam. And I appreciate your insights -they lift my day and perspective. A decade ago I would’ve said yes (in all caps. ) I think once one heals from having been a people pleaser, then they can move into a more nuanced place, that includes obligation. What is our obligation to other people, in community, in humanity. How to we balance this with the boundary setting no. I think figuring this out-once someone is somewhat healed from ppl pleasing-is an important part of the conversation.
I needed to hear this .. thank you for sharing .
I have worked with recovering people pleasers (starting with myself). So many women get trapped in this place of wanting to be liked. I encourage women to Disappoint More People. And yes, there is nuance but for those who struggle with people pleasing, sometimes the pendulum needs to swing a little before it balances out. I
People pleasing is manipulative. The people pleaser is being inauthentic and manipulative to get approval and validation. It’s fake and very much fear based. It always feels icky and slightly slimy to me when I’m around people pleasers. I have no idea how they actually feel, or what they actually think, but I do know their people pleasing and pleasant demeanor is inauthentic.
Respectful candour is not the opposite of kindness.
This made me smile, but the distinction between being selfish and being self-focused is an important one.
People pleasing can begin as an adaptive way of staying safe, belonging, or avoiding conflict. But what once protected us can eventually prevent us from being honest — with ourselves and with others.
I have come to think that kindness is not the same as accommodation. Sometimes kindness is saying no. Sometimes it is naming the uncomfortable thing. Sometimes it is respectfully disagreeing rather than allowing someone to believe we agree.
And perhaps that is the paradox: when our need to be liked becomes stronger than our willingness to be truthful, people pleasing can actually get in the way of authentic relationships.
Self-respect and respect for others are not opposites. At their best, they require each other.
"The Disease to Please" by Dr. Harriet B. Braiker was the book that cracked this open for me years ago.
Here's what I've learned sits underneath your point about approval-seeking: the confusion between dependence and interdependence.
Dependence says my regulation depends on your approval. If you're pleased, I'm okay.
Interdependence is different. It says I can hold my own center AND stay connected to you. I don't need your reaction to tell me who I am, but I still care about the impact I have on you.
The shift happens when internal motivation becomes the anchor and external motivation becomes information instead of instruction. I still want to know how the driver feels, how my child feels, how my team feels. I just stop letting that feeling cast the deciding vote on my behavior.