From my experience, a lesson from Givers and Takers. When I think of my frenemy/ies, they tend to be takers, or at least strategically limit their contributions to quid pro quo.
Agreed! I’m struggling with the end of a long term relationship and feel guilty for “walking away” and cannot easily articulate the complicated feelings that arise every time I think of the situation. This sum it up well.
This makes complete sense to me. I had one particular frenemy in the workplace and the relationship was far more stressful then with those I deeply disliked. It’s easy to dismiss the enemies. With the frenemy, I kept thinking that I must be doing something wrong. I wasn’t 😉
Not immediately obvious that ambivalent relationships are more stressful than negative ones, but this finding makes complete sense. Ambivalent relationships keep you off-balance and unsure of yourself.
As to whether to stay in an ambivalent relationship: Is candor possible? Is the other party willing to join you in improving the relationship? Is there relative parity between the parties (instead of a significant power imbalance? ) If yes, the relationship has a chance. If no, the odds are poor.
John Gardner wrote about LBJ who didn't like J.Edgar Hoover. When asked why LBJ kept J. Edgar Hoover in the room, LBJ responded, "I would rather have him inside the tent pissing out rather than outside the tent pissing in."
This happens in so many c-suites it then mimics throughout an organisation.
Something I’ve witnessed over two decades of work in all sizes of business - frenemies are often typically start one sided and over time develop to be two sided.
In my coaching session this also bubbles to the top especially for those in the middle to upper end of hierarchies and careers.
If it’s competition and you’re engineered that way, it can be a real driver for you both but if that line it crossed or misunderstood it drives a wedge in many around you.
Concentrate on the people who give positive energy and understand how PQ (political intelligence) is only worth playing if you can be all in for the long term
"Fixing an ambivalent relationship requires the trust and respect to tell each other the truth." This statement implies that an ambivalen connection strategy is something that needs to be fixed. More accurately, it must be integrated because we don't get over the conflict between our head and our heart. I don't need to be "fixed" nor do I need to be tolerated.
Its the fear which keep us continuing with such relationship whether job or relationship. Fear of losing blinds us to see and think way forward. We sometimes stick to toxic boss or spouse thinking known devil is better than unknow besides other uncertainities.
I had this problem but when I started to practice a spiritual meditation practice called Falun Dafa (also known as Falun Gong) I learned about Karma. Throygh meditation my mind became stronger and so did my heart nature. I upgraded my moral character and thought of others before myself. I was also able to be more assertive and compassionate towards my family and friends. I had work colleagues that may have liked me or they may have not, it didn’t matter anymore I treated everyone with respect and considered their feelings when I spoke to them. When someone upset me I took this as a chance to look within and to change my self. I learned the person that is angry with me is suffering and I began to tolerate what they had to say to me. Sometimes I needed to talk to a friend to help let go of being hurt with someone else’s harsh criticism of me. However afyer a while I forgot it all and moved on with life as it’s too short to feel hurt all the time. Then one day I noticed no one day that I don’t bother anyone around me and all the harsh words towards me rarely occur now. People walking past me in the street smile at me and I can have a chat with almost anyone as I now accept people for who they are. I don’t try and change them only myself. This makes life easier. Some people have had a poor upbringing which causes abnormal behaviour as an adult also people who have been abused have problems. I have met people and friends with personality problems and I found kindness really helps them when they have a moment. Violent people I found need to seek help but they need to recognise they have a problem. If I was in this situation it is best to leave as we can’t change anyone. I have found in a close relationship that communication is important as life goes on we might change our likes and dislikes and many things about ourselves and having a chat or quality time together. Acknowledging a person is always important even if it’s only hello as any friendship can begin with this or a friendship can be mended. Forgiveness is a good ability to have as this promotes healing. I had to learn this all the hard way but now I have a joyful life and it doesn’t matter what the people are like around me. Thanks for your sharing article.
I have no definite insight of such words "frenemy" till this afternoon, unexpectedly I encountered one. But couldnt exactly put into words if she is to be tag as my "frenemy" for so many valid reasons that I could enumerates of.One, I considered her as my mentor ,she taught me all the best traits a Teaching Assistant should possess or to have and a classroom Teacher can ever wish for and I cant deny the fact ,that she is really very good in her craft .To justified my narrative regarding her profession I must proud to say that during our assessment we graded outstanding in our classroom observations and very happy for her and to the whole class for all our efforts was paid off positively and most of that I should say its because of her knowledge and passion for teaching kids and love for learning why we reached our goals for that day and for our children efforts as well .When it comes to our relationship or I should say our teamwork when working together I ranked it good { to me }.When recieving instructions I can say in brutal honesty I cant make it perfect though to me seems ok? But she always give emphasis on " refusal to accept any short standard of perfection" why I am having difficulty aligning positive results in my work that she cant help not to react gave blant remarks and spewing degrading ,insulting, maligning comments basing her actions and narrative about what she heard from the others saying about me my work and and my personality , that I must say its overboard and with malice to which I believe its from recyled stories that undrgo rimmed of edited words that has been buried by time that needs justifications and was never been brough up for justice.Maybe that is her as what she always saying thats her personality that I must be flexible with her so that we can accomplish something right and good .I need to be in a passive mode everytime shes again in her " unguarded behaviour " and again me in my controlled guarded actions the "dont react, just listen ,accept swallowed and ignore! else you will end up jobless on the next day for the grounds of disrespectful to the professions that she has that I cant even equate with { me undergraduate , no diploma ,stupid and old} I have no idea where shes getting her anger towards me or why her actions when shes in a bad moods was not aligned to the supposed "an outstanding educator "as what she proclaimed here self she is. I cant say we are friends maybe we are just colleague for I remembered once she told me when
I did positive gestures of asking some teachers for a coffe she adressed it negativley that is not good or not right to do but she didnt stated the reasons why? She dislike the scenario when Im talking close like friendly talks to the others teachers in school again she didnt even stated her reasons why? I am now having a very low self esteem and questioning my self if I need to find the nearest exit to quit my job or just stayed for another year and half finished my contract then leave, find the most emotional friendly workplace that I could find ,anyways she is moving 2 steps grades higher and we are not in the same department again but same school,.. Plesse help. .
From my experience, a lesson from Givers and Takers. When I think of my frenemy/ies, they tend to be takers, or at least strategically limit their contributions to quid pro quo.
Agreed! I’m struggling with the end of a long term relationship and feel guilty for “walking away” and cannot easily articulate the complicated feelings that arise every time I think of the situation. This sum it up well.
This makes complete sense to me. I had one particular frenemy in the workplace and the relationship was far more stressful then with those I deeply disliked. It’s easy to dismiss the enemies. With the frenemy, I kept thinking that I must be doing something wrong. I wasn’t 😉
Not immediately obvious that ambivalent relationships are more stressful than negative ones, but this finding makes complete sense. Ambivalent relationships keep you off-balance and unsure of yourself.
As to whether to stay in an ambivalent relationship: Is candor possible? Is the other party willing to join you in improving the relationship? Is there relative parity between the parties (instead of a significant power imbalance? ) If yes, the relationship has a chance. If no, the odds are poor.
John Gardner wrote about LBJ who didn't like J.Edgar Hoover. When asked why LBJ kept J. Edgar Hoover in the room, LBJ responded, "I would rather have him inside the tent pissing out rather than outside the tent pissing in."
To that I will say, an enemy is the one pissing in. Whereas a frenemy is both pissing out and in the tent.
I will send this to my sisters, if I’m brave enough.
I hear you. I had a long response then backed it up. Sisters are complicated. Good luck.
This happens in so many c-suites it then mimics throughout an organisation.
Something I’ve witnessed over two decades of work in all sizes of business - frenemies are often typically start one sided and over time develop to be two sided.
In my coaching session this also bubbles to the top especially for those in the middle to upper end of hierarchies and careers.
If it’s competition and you’re engineered that way, it can be a real driver for you both but if that line it crossed or misunderstood it drives a wedge in many around you.
Concentrate on the people who give positive energy and understand how PQ (political intelligence) is only worth playing if you can be all in for the long term
I believe this is a manipulative Methode used by toxic managers and coworkers at workplace as well.
Brilliant article with lots of takeaway thoughts and ideas to reflect on.👌
"Fixing an ambivalent relationship requires the trust and respect to tell each other the truth." This statement implies that an ambivalen connection strategy is something that needs to be fixed. More accurately, it must be integrated because we don't get over the conflict between our head and our heart. I don't need to be "fixed" nor do I need to be tolerated.
Its the fear which keep us continuing with such relationship whether job or relationship. Fear of losing blinds us to see and think way forward. We sometimes stick to toxic boss or spouse thinking known devil is better than unknow besides other uncertainities.
Many thanks.
This is actually a lesson and very relatable plus I love the saying “keep your friends close but your enemies closer”
I had this problem but when I started to practice a spiritual meditation practice called Falun Dafa (also known as Falun Gong) I learned about Karma. Throygh meditation my mind became stronger and so did my heart nature. I upgraded my moral character and thought of others before myself. I was also able to be more assertive and compassionate towards my family and friends. I had work colleagues that may have liked me or they may have not, it didn’t matter anymore I treated everyone with respect and considered their feelings when I spoke to them. When someone upset me I took this as a chance to look within and to change my self. I learned the person that is angry with me is suffering and I began to tolerate what they had to say to me. Sometimes I needed to talk to a friend to help let go of being hurt with someone else’s harsh criticism of me. However afyer a while I forgot it all and moved on with life as it’s too short to feel hurt all the time. Then one day I noticed no one day that I don’t bother anyone around me and all the harsh words towards me rarely occur now. People walking past me in the street smile at me and I can have a chat with almost anyone as I now accept people for who they are. I don’t try and change them only myself. This makes life easier. Some people have had a poor upbringing which causes abnormal behaviour as an adult also people who have been abused have problems. I have met people and friends with personality problems and I found kindness really helps them when they have a moment. Violent people I found need to seek help but they need to recognise they have a problem. If I was in this situation it is best to leave as we can’t change anyone. I have found in a close relationship that communication is important as life goes on we might change our likes and dislikes and many things about ourselves and having a chat or quality time together. Acknowledging a person is always important even if it’s only hello as any friendship can begin with this or a friendship can be mended. Forgiveness is a good ability to have as this promotes healing. I had to learn this all the hard way but now I have a joyful life and it doesn’t matter what the people are like around me. Thanks for your sharing article.
Great article.
Any way to get past firewall? I don’t read NYTimes much and it said my free views for the month are over 😑
I have no definite insight of such words "frenemy" till this afternoon, unexpectedly I encountered one. But couldnt exactly put into words if she is to be tag as my "frenemy" for so many valid reasons that I could enumerates of.One, I considered her as my mentor ,she taught me all the best traits a Teaching Assistant should possess or to have and a classroom Teacher can ever wish for and I cant deny the fact ,that she is really very good in her craft .To justified my narrative regarding her profession I must proud to say that during our assessment we graded outstanding in our classroom observations and very happy for her and to the whole class for all our efforts was paid off positively and most of that I should say its because of her knowledge and passion for teaching kids and love for learning why we reached our goals for that day and for our children efforts as well .When it comes to our relationship or I should say our teamwork when working together I ranked it good { to me }.When recieving instructions I can say in brutal honesty I cant make it perfect though to me seems ok? But she always give emphasis on " refusal to accept any short standard of perfection" why I am having difficulty aligning positive results in my work that she cant help not to react gave blant remarks and spewing degrading ,insulting, maligning comments basing her actions and narrative about what she heard from the others saying about me my work and and my personality , that I must say its overboard and with malice to which I believe its from recyled stories that undrgo rimmed of edited words that has been buried by time that needs justifications and was never been brough up for justice.Maybe that is her as what she always saying thats her personality that I must be flexible with her so that we can accomplish something right and good .I need to be in a passive mode everytime shes again in her " unguarded behaviour " and again me in my controlled guarded actions the "dont react, just listen ,accept swallowed and ignore! else you will end up jobless on the next day for the grounds of disrespectful to the professions that she has that I cant even equate with { me undergraduate , no diploma ,stupid and old} I have no idea where shes getting her anger towards me or why her actions when shes in a bad moods was not aligned to the supposed "an outstanding educator "as what she proclaimed here self she is. I cant say we are friends maybe we are just colleague for I remembered once she told me when
I did positive gestures of asking some teachers for a coffe she adressed it negativley that is not good or not right to do but she didnt stated the reasons why? She dislike the scenario when Im talking close like friendly talks to the others teachers in school again she didnt even stated her reasons why? I am now having a very low self esteem and questioning my self if I need to find the nearest exit to quit my job or just stayed for another year and half finished my contract then leave, find the most emotional friendly workplace that I could find ,anyways she is moving 2 steps grades higher and we are not in the same department again but same school,.. Plesse help. .
She is not your friend and not your mentor.
Find someone else for a role model and someone else as a mentor. Not the same person. Build yourself a broader circle of support.
thank you Caz Hart..well noted.