I owe you one for this post :). Good insights and reminder that when you give something away, you don't expect something in return. A simple thank you or paying that gift forward is a good way to "Owe You One".
There is also the humility factor that enters the equation when being the recipient of someone’s generosity. Accepting with a grateful heart is sufficient.
I heard once that “I owe you” is the baseground for corruption. If we are matchers, we need to stop our way of thinking so it is - I’ll do this for you, and I could even expect something in return. On the other hand, I also heard that “power is when you help others without expecting anything in return”. I liked that one because it’s in contrast to how power is usually perceived. You are a powerful man, Adam, and thanks a lot!
Great explanation of the difference between receiving and taking. We assume that everything comes with a cost; a message reinforced throughout the culture. Thank you for this!
I’ve never thought of it this way. You’ve got me thinking. I think I use it like “ my gratitude is overwhelming me and I wish you could understand just how much”. Maybe I should just say that instead. Thank you.
I know for me when someone is grateful for my actions and says, thank you, you are so sweet, generous, kind, you choose the word, I feel good because I know that I was able to give something of value.
Last week my girlfriend gave me a t-shirt as a thank you for a project I was doing for her. The shirt is so me and was so fitting to the project. Every time I would see it on my chair, I would giggle and say how much I love it. Not because I felt I needed to, but because it genuinely pleased me.
From all that I'm trying to say, be authentically you with your thanks and gratitude and it will make you both feel good.
Yes! This. I’m incredibly grateful and want to find a way to express that, or your kindness has had such a big impact and it would mean so much and it’s important to me that you know I would be honoured to support you in a similar way because I think you are pretty awesome. I think that’s what I’m trying to convey. 😂
I love this Adam. I often think that what we put out in the world comes back to us. But it's more about karma than actual favors returned. Inspiring words.
This is so rich, Adam. I feel that learning to receive is the secret. Not easy- yet necessary if one is to escape the tractor beam of guilt over gaining something that feels "too" generous. Givers deeply enjoy helping Receivers...but sometimes they help Takers and Matchers and those interactions feel "less deeply enjoyable." Simply observing the reaction of your recipient (behavior ideally, but writing or spoken words will do in a pinch) will offer clues to the person you are interacting with. Adjusting one's style to reflect knowledge of the recipient feels more generous in some ways.... Matchers do tend to feel awkward receiving without offering equal "value" - so perhaps the Giver could simply close the interaction with the humbly confident directive to "If this helps, consider paying it forward in your own way? It is offered without strings of reciprocity."
Thank you, Adam! Your column brought me to tears. My recent cancer diagnosis has blessed me with a flood of gifts, food and kind wishes that I've felt I needed to "repay" beyond an expression of gratitude. I needed to hear what you shared. Thank you <3
“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to die by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. And your life will never be the same again.”
As a business developer I was “taught” the importance of “giving to receive something in return.” A lead, a meeting, a deal. It bothered me decades ago. It still does. Especially when I hear the “owe you” response. I agree with John. My pet peeve is the oft heard to thank you: “no problem.” I don’t know why it irks me. My ego I’m fairly sure. That ego. Ugh.
Thank you, Adam. I feel so grateful for your help with my book. Thank you too for this post. It was wonderful to hear that you help because you care and think highly of the person. I appreciate that so much.
I know of a woman who was seriously ill for a long time and her friends stepped up and helped her family with meals, transportation, support, all of it. When she recovered, the woman told a friend, “I’ll never be able to repay all these favors.” And the friend said, “You’re not indebted. You’re connected.” I think that’s a lovely way to think of it.
"Generosity is not a loan to repay or a debt to settle. It's a gift to appreciate." A good reminder, Adam. Thank you.
I owe you one for this post :). Good insights and reminder that when you give something away, you don't expect something in return. A simple thank you or paying that gift forward is a good way to "Owe You One".
That was beautifully said!
There is also the humility factor that enters the equation when being the recipient of someone’s generosity. Accepting with a grateful heart is sufficient.
I heard once that “I owe you” is the baseground for corruption. If we are matchers, we need to stop our way of thinking so it is - I’ll do this for you, and I could even expect something in return. On the other hand, I also heard that “power is when you help others without expecting anything in return”. I liked that one because it’s in contrast to how power is usually perceived. You are a powerful man, Adam, and thanks a lot!
Great explanation of the difference between receiving and taking. We assume that everything comes with a cost; a message reinforced throughout the culture. Thank you for this!
I’ve never thought of it this way. You’ve got me thinking. I think I use it like “ my gratitude is overwhelming me and I wish you could understand just how much”. Maybe I should just say that instead. Thank you.
I know for me when someone is grateful for my actions and says, thank you, you are so sweet, generous, kind, you choose the word, I feel good because I know that I was able to give something of value.
Last week my girlfriend gave me a t-shirt as a thank you for a project I was doing for her. The shirt is so me and was so fitting to the project. Every time I would see it on my chair, I would giggle and say how much I love it. Not because I felt I needed to, but because it genuinely pleased me.
From all that I'm trying to say, be authentically you with your thanks and gratitude and it will make you both feel good.
Yes! This. I’m incredibly grateful and want to find a way to express that, or your kindness has had such a big impact and it would mean so much and it’s important to me that you know I would be honoured to support you in a similar way because I think you are pretty awesome. I think that’s what I’m trying to convey. 😂
I love this Adam. I often think that what we put out in the world comes back to us. But it's more about karma than actual favors returned. Inspiring words.
I wonder if saying, I will pay it forward is another deflection or if it is more generous. Something definitely to think about.
This is so rich, Adam. I feel that learning to receive is the secret. Not easy- yet necessary if one is to escape the tractor beam of guilt over gaining something that feels "too" generous. Givers deeply enjoy helping Receivers...but sometimes they help Takers and Matchers and those interactions feel "less deeply enjoyable." Simply observing the reaction of your recipient (behavior ideally, but writing or spoken words will do in a pinch) will offer clues to the person you are interacting with. Adjusting one's style to reflect knowledge of the recipient feels more generous in some ways.... Matchers do tend to feel awkward receiving without offering equal "value" - so perhaps the Giver could simply close the interaction with the humbly confident directive to "If this helps, consider paying it forward in your own way? It is offered without strings of reciprocity."
Thank you, Adam! Your column brought me to tears. My recent cancer diagnosis has blessed me with a flood of gifts, food and kind wishes that I've felt I needed to "repay" beyond an expression of gratitude. I needed to hear what you shared. Thank you <3
I feel this too. Maybe I need to learn how to accept help without the feeling that I am a bother.
“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to die by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. And your life will never be the same again.”
As a business developer I was “taught” the importance of “giving to receive something in return.” A lead, a meeting, a deal. It bothered me decades ago. It still does. Especially when I hear the “owe you” response. I agree with John. My pet peeve is the oft heard to thank you: “no problem.” I don’t know why it irks me. My ego I’m fairly sure. That ego. Ugh.
I thoroughly enjoyed the last lines and will aspire to live by them.
Thank you for this incredibly thoughtful piece.
Love the post but in particular the end - it's absolutely that way, paying it forward. Thanks Adam - you continue inspiring with your words and ideas.
Thank you, Adam. I feel so grateful for your help with my book. Thank you too for this post. It was wonderful to hear that you help because you care and think highly of the person. I appreciate that so much.
I know of a woman who was seriously ill for a long time and her friends stepped up and helped her family with meals, transportation, support, all of it. When she recovered, the woman told a friend, “I’ll never be able to repay all these favors.” And the friend said, “You’re not indebted. You’re connected.” I think that’s a lovely way to think of it.
And she’s alive. The best gift ever. ❤️
Absolutely.