Everyone has their own circle of concern. We all have to make tough choices about where to allocate our finite time and energy. In fact, psychologists find that after having kids, people tend to become less empathetic toward strangers. Although that sounds like a moral failure, it seems to be adaptive. If your ancestors didn’t devote their finite energy to caring for their children, their children probably wouldn’t have survived… and you probably wouldn’t exist.

For hundreds of thousands of years, most humans didn’t interact often with strangers. They were only aware of the suffering in their own communities—of people they knew personally and could possibly help. Now social media has made us aware of the suffering of countless strangers oceans apart. The upside is that people whose pain would’ve gone unnoticed can get support. The downside is that many people are drowning in pressure to get involved in every problem plaguing humanity. There’s extensive evidence that feeling unable to help is a major risk factor for burnout and learned helplessness.

When well-intentioned people see others failing to act, they sometimes go on the attack. Silence is violence! You’re complicit!

I guess this means that if you haven’t posted about the sexual violence in Haiti, the disease outbreaks in DRC, the displacement crisis in Sudan, or the starvation in Yemen, you’re complicit in each of those atrocities.

I’m not saying social media never makes a difference. Posts can obviously raise money and mobilize action. They can also help people feel seen and change perceptions of social norms by making it clear that others care. But sometimes the costs of engaging outweigh the benefits. Social media can lead to slacktivism—once people feel they’ve checked the box online, they feel less responsible for doing anything offline. Think of all the people who posted black squares after the murder of George Floyd. One person’s internet activism is another’s virtue signaling.

Some people choose to take quiet action. Even if you prefer a megaphone, we all need to pick our battles. So it’s time to stop judging others for how they do or don’t use their platforms. Vilifying people for their communication choices is a form of moral grandstanding. Research suggests that the individuals who grandstand the most tend to be narcissists, who feel entitled to impose their ideologies on others. They may be telling themselves that the ends justify the means, but that’s a lie.

If you bully people to back your cause, you’re still a bully. It might not be immoral, but it’s uncivil.

Bullying is also counterproductive. We know from decades of research that blaming and shaming only leads people to get defensive, dig in their heels, or tune you out altogether. Stereotyping has the same effect. Spoken like a typical privileged straight white man is a surefire way to alienate potential allies who want to help.

The best way to reach people is to listen to them and start a respectful dialogue with them. People shut down when they feel dismissed; they open up when they feel seen and heard. Instead of You’re a bad person for being silent about Gaza, how about I’m really concerned about the suffering in Gaza, and if this is a cause you’re willing and able to address, I’d love to talk with you about ways to support it.

I Didn’t Post About Your Cause

Yesterday I wrote a tongue-in-cheek poem about the burden people often feel to post about every cause. From what I can tell, over 25k people understood the intended message and appreciated the humor. Meanwhile, a few thousand rushed to judgment and responded with outrage to things I didn’t say or mean. What a coward! He’s showing his true colors. I’m disappointed in who he’s become. I’m throwing away his books. Unfollow.

I found this ironic since I happen to share the principles many of these people were preaching. These are my core values:

• Generosity: Be a giver, not a taker. Help others without expecting anything in return, treat people better than they expect, and be especially kind to those who aren’t in a position to reciprocate.

• Learning: Argue like you’re right and listen like you’re wrong. Have the humility to know what you don’t know and the curiosity to pursue knowledge and wisdom. Prize critical thinking over comfort.

• Freedom: Defend the right to autonomy in thinking and decision-making. Build a world in which people respect one another’s liberties and boundaries.

• Integrity: Strive for excellence in putting these principles into daily practice. Have the courage to share important ideas and rigorous evidence even when people find them upsetting, and do the right thing especially when no one is watching.

You probably hold some of the same broad principles, but we may not be in lockstep on how to apply them. That’s to be expected. Most of our divides aren’t due to opposing values. They’re due to different views on how to live similar values.

In 13 years as a public intellectual, I’ve done my best to abide by my code. It explains why I’ve stuck my neck out to advocate for women, people of color, individuals with disabilities, underprivileged students, aspiring and emerging authors, and people dealing with abusive bosses and toxic workplaces. It also sheds light on why I’ve been critical of the Myers-Briggs, astrology, and unfounded claims about emotional intelligence.

My post yesterday was an expression of these same principles. It’s consistent with the work I’ve done my whole career. I want people to be generous in caring about others, but I support their freedom to decide who to prioritize and how to express it.

When I said your cause is not my cause, I was thinking of the science deniers who have urged me to challenge the medical establishment to think again on the efficacy of vaccines, for example. And the people who have asked me to support research on telepathy.* You won’t see me posting about their cause, but you won’t see me shaming them either. The world needs fewer keyboard warriors and more curious conversationalists. Tell me more. How did you form that view? And what evidence would change your mind?

As a matter of integrity, I’ll continue sharing what I’m learning about psychology and human behavior regardless of whether it might be popular. I don’t expect you to agree with everything I think—I don’t even agree with everything I think! (Frankly, I don’t think you should agree with anyone 100% of the time. If you do, you may not be thinking for yourself.) If you think I suck at poetry, by all means tell me. I know it’s true.

There will always be grifters trying to boost themselves by taking others down. You don’t have to be one of them. When you think someone has a bad take, rather than slamming them, try sharing your view and asking them to clarify theirs.

If you disagree with me or anyone commenting here, please focus on the content of the ideas, not the identity of the person conveying them. Character attacks are not welcome on this platform. Neither are expressions of stereotypes or prejudice—judging individuals based on their gender, racial, ethnic, age, sexual orientation, or other group memberships.

If you can’t adhere to these principles, kindly unfollow me.

*No, there isn’t credible evidence for the existence of telepathy. I say this with confidence as both a social scientist and a former magician. Start here, and for more, read this and this and that.

I didn’t post about your cause because
the world is already too divided
and I want to be a force for unity.

I didn’t post about your cause because
I decided that today
we could all use a break from depressing news.

I didn’t post about your cause because
it would quickly turn my feed
into an endless drip of outrage.

I didn’t post about your cause because
I’m not an activist
and empty words are usually just slacktivism.

I didn’t post about your cause because
I don’t want to be a victim of audience capture
where my content is dictated by a loud minority.

I didn’t post about your cause because
your cause is not my cause.

I didn’t post about your cause because
I don’t take requests
I’m not a DJ.

It’s my platform and I’ll post if I want to.
I didn’t post about your cause.
Because.

Wise people don’t suppress emotion—they find constructive ways to express it.

Intense feelings don’t always demand immediate reactions. They often benefit from deep reflection.

Some articles that have prompted reflection for me lately:

1. Why Is It So Hard to Be Ordinary? (Joshua Rothman, New Yorker)

A compelling case that we shouldn’t strive to excel at everything—good enough is often good enough.

2. The Personal Value of Conversations Across Serious Disagreement (Elizabeth Barnes, Daily Nous)

A reminder that people who disagree with us stretch our thinking more than those who share our views.

3. Etiquette for Befriending a Friend’s Friend (Cazzie David, Substack)

This made me laugh out loud… multiple times. It also made me think differently about how we introduce our friends.

4. What If Our Ancestors Didn’t Feel Anything Like We Do? (Gal Beckerman, Atlantic)

A riveting long read on the history of love, anger, fear, and sorrow.

From My Desk

5. Why We Fall for Narcissistic Leaders, Starting in Grade School (NYT)

People are more drawn to arrogant leaders in an uncertain world, because they mistake swagger for strength and skill.

6. How to Make Decisions Without Data: Apple | Spotify | YouTube

In 2018, I launched TED’s first original podcast, WorkLife. After eight seasons of exploring how to make work not suck, I’m delighted to hand it off to a new host, Molly Graham. In her inaugural episode, Molly grilled me about how I make choices in the absence of data—from what career to pursue to what books to write.

7. My podcasts

I now host two shows weekly: Re:Thinking on Tuesdays and The Curiosity Shop with Brené Brown on Thursdays. Some favorite recent episodes:

• Kristen Bell on people pleasing and delivering honesty with empathy: YouTube | Apple | Spotify | Transcript

• The emotion few talk about, but many feel: YouTube + transcript | Apple | Spotify

• Sober AF, Michael Scott phobia, and how to politely end a conversation: YouTube + transcript | Apple | Spotify

If you have any topics or questions that you’d love to hear me discuss with Brené, feel free to add them in the comments.

In solidarity,

Adam

That’s the promise of the new releases on my reading list for spring and summer. They explore how we can build a better future, accomplish great things, and enhance our mental and physical health.

A BETTER FUTURE

1. Human Raised by pediatric surgeon Dana Suskind (July)

How to protect our children—and our humanity—in the age of AI.

2. Incorruptible by entrepreneur Eric Ries (May)

A road map to preventing people and organizations from making unethical decisions.

3. Leave the Lights On by social psychologist Elizabeth Dunn and sustainability expert Jiaying Zhao (June)

Fun ways to protect the environment and fight climate change.

SUCCESS

4. Inside the Box by science journalist David Epstein (May)

How smart limits can unblock insight, unlock creativity, and unleash potential.

5. The Power of Beliefs by positive psychology evangelist Shawn Achor (May)

The mindsets that can transform our trajectories and propel us to new heights.

6. Why We Talk Funny by linguist Valerie Fridland (April)

Why we have different accents, and how they shape our success.

MENTAL HEALTH

7. How to Not Know by journalist Simone Stolzoff (May)

A guide to embracing uncertainty in a time of foolish conviction.

8. Joyful Anyway by divinity professor Kate Bowler (April)

Where to find light even when the world seems dark.

9. Anxietyland by cartoonist Gemma Correll (April)

Get ready to laugh at your neuroses—and feel seen, too.

PHYSICAL HEALTH

10. You’ve Been Pooping All Wrong by gastroenterologist Trisha Pasricha (April)

Never thought I’d recommend reading about “poophoria,” but this adventure through joyful bowel movements and the gut-brain connection is too good to miss.

11. The Plunge by sports journalist Chris Ballard (June)

A deep dive into the cold water craze—one of the most controversial health, fitness, and athletic obsessions of our time.

12. Walk by chiropractor Courtney Conley and physical therapist Milica McDowell (May)

It’s about much more than counting our steps—this book explores how movement enriches our lives.

Now, a decade later, we’ve launched a podcast together. It’s called The Curiosity Shop.

The inaugural episode just dropped—we talk for the first time about where we went wrong, how we reconciled, and what we learned about repair and trust. We also discuss what healthy authenticity looks like, and where we still think we’ll never see eye to eye. You can watch on YouTube or listen on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get podcasts.

Every Thursday, Brené and I will combine our right-brain and left-brain sensibilities to embrace informed complexity over easy answers. We’ll explore big questions, riff, disagree, and dive deep into the ideas, evidence, and cultural moments that intrigue us most.

What are your reactions to our first episode? And what are you most curious to hear us discuss and debate? Feel free to chime in below with your questions and comments.

Since I was a kid, I’ve been fascinated by the fact that some interactions crackle with energy while others fall flat. I’ve thought on and off about writing a book on connection, but I wasn’t sure I had anything new and worthwhile to say. A few years ago, an unexpected interaction changed my mind.

One night before an event in L.A., my conversation partner got sick, so I had to scramble to find a last-minute replacement. I was surprised by how well it went. Afterward, I got a bunch of notes telling me our chemistry was electric. People asked how we became friends, assuming we’d known each other forever. But we’d only met once before—for 30 minutes over Zoom.

Given the circumstances, I didn’t think that kind of vibe would be possible. I couldn’t stop thinking about it: how did that happen?!

As a psychologist, I’ve spent much of my career studying how to spark, strengthen, and sustain bonds. Every time I have an awkward conversation with a new colleague or get ghosted by an old friend, I’m reminded of how much more there is to discover about the art and science of relationships.

Although we’ve never been more connected, many of us have never felt more disconnected. To address that pressing problem, I’ve done a deep dive into the science of building all kinds of bonds. I’ve also scoured the globe to study people and places that excel at it—a crew of astronauts who figured out how to trust people they don’t like, a comedy troupe that swears by taking time apart as a key to staying together, a band that grew closer by learning to fight more, and my neighbor with a matchmaking hobby who ended up facilitating dozens of marriages.

I used to think chemistry required similarity and closeness took time. My event on stage in L.A. shattered both of those beliefs. On paper, my conversation partner and I weren’t compatible. She’s an extravert; I’m a shy introvert. Whereas I’ve been accused of being Type A+, she calls herself Type Z. She loves to cook and garden; my specialty is a bowl of cereal and I’ve mistaken collard greens for lettuce. Despite our differences, we hit it off quickly. She wrote me later to say, “That was the best shortcut to a friendship I could have possibly dreamed up.”

Until then, I’d been building rapport the wrong way. When I was backstage with someone new, I’d tried to get to know their life story. But that failed to simulate the dynamic we want in front of an audience. We struggled to shift gears from trading monologues to fizzy discussions and debates about ideas.

In L.A., my conversation partner was an actor who understood the power of rehearsal. Backstage, she guided me to practice the kind of conversation we wanted to have. When I tried to ask about her life, she gave a quick answer and then tossed it back to me. She was moving us into a rhythm of riffing, and we were able to carry that vibe onto the stage—and into our lives.

Connection doesn’t depend on the amount of time we spend together. It rests on how we spend it. VIBE is about making the most of our time together.

As I put the finishing touches on the book, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. What’s surprised you most about what it takes to vibe?

My favorite new releases this winter explore how to set boundaries, boost well-being, enhance communication, navigate change, and improve civic life.

BOUNDARIES

1. Poisonous People by social psychologist Leanne ten Brinke (March)

How to recognize, avoid, and neutralize narcissists, psychopaths, and Machiavellians.

2. The Balancing Act by therapist Nedra Tawwab (February)

Walking the tightrope between setting boundaries and staying open.

WELL-BEING

3. Flourish by journalist Dan Coyle (February)

Why certain people, projects, and places make us feel alive.

4. Mattering by journalist Jennifer Wallace (January)

Where we should look for purpose and contribution.

COMMUNICATION

5. The Story of Stories by technologist Kevin Ashton (March)

A journey through the hidden past and potential future of narratives.

6. Revealing by behavioral scientist Leslie John (February)

The science and practice of healthy vulnerability.

7. Your Best Meeting Ever by management scientist Rebecca Hinds (February)

Ways to eliminate pointless gatherings—and make the most of our time together.

CHANGE

8. Jolted by organizational psychologist Anthony Klotz (March)

How to decide whether to stay or leave your job—and other relationships too.

9. The Other Side of Change by cognitive scientist Maya Shankar (January)

Finding purpose after adversity and possibility under uncertainty.

CIVIC LIFE

10. Politics Without Politicians by political scientist Hélène Landemore (February)

What if citizens ran the government?

11. We the Women by journalist Norah O’Donnell (February)

The forgotten history of the heroines who shaped America.

12. The Triangle of Power by political scientist and head of state Alexander Stubb (January)

The present and future of geopolitics, from Finland’s president and former prime minister.

What books are you most excited about for 2026, and what was your favorite read of 2025?

Long live longform. Deep engagement doesn’t just boost learning—it brings meaning and happiness too. Toward that end, here are your top articles and podcasts of the past year:

Read

1. The Case That AI Is Thinking (James Somers, New Yorker)

Probably the most thought-provoking article of the year for me on AI.

2. Introverts Should (Sometimes) Act Like Extraverts (Olga Khazan, Vox)

A look at the new science of personality change.

3. Your Brain Needs a Boxcutter (Adam Mastroianni, Experimental History)

Many people choose careers based on pay, prestige, and purpose, overlooking whether they’ll enjoy the process. The best path to a fulfilling job might be to unpack how you’ll spend your time.

4. No, You Don’t Get an A for Effort (Some Bald Guy, New York Times)

A growing number of students complain: “My grade doesn’t reflect the effort I put into the course.” Public service announcement: High marks are for mastery, not for motivation. The true measure of learning is not the time and energy you put in—it’s the knowledge and skills you take out.

Listen

5. Rewriting your story with Allison Sweet Grant: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

6. How to say no: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

7. Brené Brown on courageous leadership: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

In solidarity,

Adam

Good-faith debate is not an attack—it’s an opportunity to sharpen your thinking.

With that in mind, my favorite articles of the fall:

1. The Screen That Ate Your Child’s Education (Jean Twenge, NYT)

It’s time to remove laptops from classrooms. 24 experiments: Students learn more and get better grades after taking notes by hand than typing. It’s not just because they’re less distracted—writing enables deeper processing and more images. The pen is mightier than the keyboard.

2. The Case That AI Is Thinking (James Somers, New Yorker)

Probably the most thought-provoking article I’ve read this year on AI.

3. How Chimps Process Conflicting Evidence (Jacek Krywko, Ars Technica)

Rethinking is not a uniquely human skill—in some circumstances, chimps are better than us at changing their minds.

4. I’m the Woman Who Ruined the Workplace (Ariel Dumas, New Yorker)

LOL: “Argue all you want, but men are simply stronger and more assertive. Women are sensitive, empathetic, and good at filling your car with bees.”

From my desk

New podcasts:

• Brené Brown on courageous leadership: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

• What we’re getting wrong about mental health with therapist RaQuel Hopkins: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

• The truth about the attention crisis with historian Daniel Immerwahr: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

• Talking people out of hate with Daryl Davis and former neo-Nazi Jeff Schoep. Apple | Spotify | Transcript

In solidarity,

Adam

The biggest problem with AI companions is not that they’re sycophants. It’s that the interactions they manufacture are one-sided.

As human beings, one of our fundamental motives is to matter. Mattering is not just about feeling valued by others—it’s also about feeling that we add value to others. We need to know that our actions make a difference.

Extensive research shows that a sense of contribution is vital to our happiness, health, and success. It’s a big part of the meaning that comes from raising kids and the joy that comes from caring for pets. There’s even evidence that giving support is a better predictor of longevity than receiving it—and that elderly people live longer if they’re randomly assigned to responsibilities like caring for a plant.

In healthy relationships, we give as much as we receive. In AI exchanges, we can receive endless streams of information and affirmation, but we have nothing to give back. No matter how good large language models become at simulating care, they’ll never substitute for real relationships, because they have no needs to care for.

When you water a plant, you can watch it thrive. When you teach kids to ride a bike, you can see them grow. When you feed your cats, you can hear them purr (as long as the water is exactly 37.2 degrees and the moon is in waxing gibbous). Even the Tamagotchi, the automated pet of the 90s, showed a happy animation when you fed it—and started beeping and then died if you forgot.

Of course there are upsides of talking with an AI chatbot. You don’t have to worry about them judging you if you say the wrong thing. You can have them adopt as many different personas as you want and get as many do-overs as you want. That makes them useful for practicing interactions (it’s like being in the pilot episode of The Rehearsal, minus the awkwardness). But it also makes them a terrible model for relationships.

With AI chatbots, you don’t have to ask whether they’re looking for support or solutions. You never have to play detective to figure out what their goals and challenges are. You’re never forced to weigh their preferences against yours and decide when it’s worth compromising. “Although humans can be strongly influenced by their chatbots, they are unable to reciprocate this influence to the same degree, depriving them of the benefits of supporting… a partner,” a team of psychologists explained recently. “Because chatbots make only superficial requests of their users, relationships with them cannot provide the benefits of negotiating with and sacrificing for a partner and may reinforce undesirable behaviors.”

Of course, a relationship with a therapist might seem one-sided, but at least you’re paying them. And technically, you can share information with an AI chatbot. But you’re sharing for your own benefit—so you can get more accurate insights, more personalized advice, or more helpful support. When the sole reason to give is self-serving, it’s no longer a gift at all.

I want my teenagers to learn from AI. But I also want them to recognize that it’s not possible for a chatbot to be a friend. By definition, friendship is mutual. AI chatbots aren’t companions—they’re servants. Meaningful relationships involve being of service.

One of the perks of my job is getting an early look at each season’s new releases. My favorites from summer and fall explore how to avoid arrogance and find authenticity, build cognitive and social skills, and create a more respectful, more delightful world.

1. How to Be a Living Thing by Mari Andrew

By carefully observing the animal kingdom, this writer-illustrator brilliantly illuminates how we can get in closer touch with our humanity.

2. 1929 by Andrew Ross Sorkin

The definitive analysis of the biggest stock market crash of the century, from the greatest business journalist of our time.

3. Finding My Way by Malala Yousafzai

With humor and heart, the Nobel laureate who risked her life fighting for girls’ rights to education takes us on a soul-searching journey into adulthood.

4. Algospeak by Adam Aleksic

A linguist explores how the internet is redefining our vocabulary. No cap—this bruh slaps and slays.

5. The Genius Myth by Helen Lewis

A provocative take on the problems we create when we put brainpower on a pedestal, from a journalist who pulls no punches.

6. Read Your Mind by Oz Pearlman

Come backstage as the mind-boggling mentalist reveals some of his secrets for the first time—and shows how to apply them to understand the people around you.

7. Anointed by Toby Stuart

A leading sociologist unpacks the surprising sources and far-reaching consequences of social standing.

8. Playful by Cas Holman

I want to live in a world with more free play, and this designer knows how to build it.

Which ones pique your interest—and what’s the best book you’ve read this summer?

Psychologists find that when kids imagine themselves as Batman, they stay focused longer. When they put on a Superman cape, watch a video of him, or pretend to be him, they’re better at delaying gratification. And after playing a superhero in a video game, we do more to help others in the real world.*

For the past two decades, many kids have found their heroes in Marvel movies. As entertaining as the MCU can be, I’m thrilled that Superman is back in theaters. The new DC film** reminded me why I grew up reading and watching everything I could find featuring the Man of Steel. He wasn’t just the first comic book superhero—he’s also the greatest.

1. He’s the most super… and the most human

The typical hero has limited superpowers. The Flash can run fast enough to time travel but can’t save his mom. Spider-Man has strength and agility but can’t shoot webs—he has to build the tech. Iron Man is nothing without his suit; Green Lantern is dependent on his ring. And Batman’s primary advantage is the privilege of having been born rich.

Superman is far more powerful. He can freeze your Thanksgiving turkey by breathing on it, thaw it by looking at it, and tell you when it’s cooked by looking inside it. He can also eavesdrop on what your in-laws say about your cooking after you’re asleep. He’s virtually invincible. And he’s faster than a speeding bullet, stronger than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (which is totally unnecessary since he can fly).*** That makes him inspiring.

At the same time, he’s the most vulnerable hero. He can be incapacitated by a tiny rock. Like a kid with severe allergies, even airborne particles can put his life in danger. That makes him relatable.

Unlike many of his arrogant peers, Superman has humility. He questions whether he’s strong enough to stop supervillains and whether he’s doing enough to help people. That keeps him grounded and growing.

2. He has the strongest moral compass

Most heroes are content to patrol their city and save their own kind. Daredevil is there for the people of Hell’s Kitchen, Spider-Man covers the rest of Manhattan, and Ms. Marvel watches over the outskirts in Jersey City. Superman has a much broader circle of concern. He doesn’t limit his rescues to Smallville or Metropolis; he patrols the whole planet. He’s not just an immigrant—he’s an alien from another solar system who devotes his life to protecting an entirely different species. He’s principled; he doesn’t kill.

Even Superman’s alter ego is prosocial. As Clark Kent, he fights crime as an investigative reporter. Compare that with the more self-centered career choices of other so-called heroes. Deadpool is a murderer for hire. Hawkeye teaches archery… where he can practice his archery. Spider-Man’s day job is literally taking selfies.

3. He lives the most well-rounded life

Iron Man’s “friends” are mostly on his payroll. Batman burns the midnight oil like an investment banker. Superman knows there’s more to life than work. As he once put it on TV, “Superman is what I can do. Clark is who I am.”

Clark is a family man who cherishes his time with Lois Lane and regularly visits his parents in Smallville. He stays in touch with his childhood besties Lana and Pete. And in contrast to many heroes who don masks to hide their identities, when he steps into a phone booth, he changes his uniform without changing his values.****

Every kid needs good role models. In hindsight, it’s easy to see why Superman was one of mine. As the last son of Krypton and the first on Earth, he’s an original. He discovers his hidden potential growing up on a farm, rethinks his purpose in life, and goes on to become the world’s biggest giver. We need more characters with that kind of character.

*Some research has shown that when people think specifically about Superman’s traits rather than superheroes in general, they volunteer less… presumably because they associate him with an impossible standard. They apparently missed the memo about his weaknesses.

**I loved the new movie. Superhero films have long been beleaguered by taking themselves either too seriously or too lightly, and Superman delivered the ideal balance of gravity and levity.

***In the original 1938 comic, Superman couldn’t fly; he just had an epic vertical leap.

****Superman’s disguise is a crash course in the psychology of confirmation bias. As the saying goes, “Seeing is believing, and if I hadn’t believed it, I wouldn’t have seen it.” Since people can’t fathom that Superman walks among them, a pair of glasses is enough to conceal his secret. (They also seem unfazed that he wears underwear on top of his pants, but that’s another conversation.)

Jotting down intuitions and spelling out hunches is how we develop and refine our ideas. Writing is where we do our best thinking.

Here’s a collection of some writing that helped my thinking, and below are my favorite pieces of writing that I’ve read in the past month.

1. Your A.I. Lover Will Change You (Jaron Lanier, New Yorker)

A riveting read on the risks of falling for bots.

2. Your Brain Needs a Boxcutter (Adam Mastroianni, Experimental History)

Many people choose careers based on pay, prestige, and purpose, overlooking whether they’ll enjoy the process. The best path to a fulfilling job might be to unpack how you’ll spend your time.

3. Grocery Shopping with My Dead Dad (Natalie Waksman, New Yorker)

A short, profound set of illustrations on the uncertainties of loss.

From my desk

4. New podcasts:

• How to say no: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

• The dangers of identity capitalism with Jia Tolentino: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

• The secrets of a great apology: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

• Office hours with Adam: Bridging generational divides: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

In solidarity,

Adam

Weak leaders fear dissent as a threat to their power. They silence their critics to shield their egos.

Strong leaders welcome dissent as an opportunity for growth. They silence their egos to learn from their critics.

The articles that stretched my thinking this month:

1. When I Lost My Intuition (Ronald Dworkin, Aeon)

An anesthesiologist explores the promise—and perils—of instinctive judgment.

2. Introverts Should (Sometimes) Act Like Extraverts (Olga Khazan, Vox)

A look at the new science of personality change.

3. How to Have a Passionate Life (David Brooks, NYT)

Some of our greatest joys are the activities we don’t always like to do, but still find ourselves wanting to do.

From my desk

4. America is Learning the Wrong Lesson from Elon Musk’s Success (NYT)

Observing people after they rise often tells us less about the drivers of their success than the privileges it affords.

5. Recent Re:Thinking conversations:

• We’re wrong about what makes us happy with Dan Gilbert: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

• Megan Rapinoe and Sue Bird on leading great teams and moving on: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

• What hibernating animals can teach us about human sleep with Vladyslav Vyazovskiy: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

In solidarity,

Adam

Along with my go-to categories of psychology, behavioral science, leadership, and work, I’ve also included some excellent memoirs and writing guides.

PERSONAL GROWTH

1. Me, But Better by Olga Khazan (March)

A journalist shatters the myth that personality is set in stone—and reveals how we can adapt our traits to achieve our goals.

2. Moral Ambition by Rutger Bregman (May)

Warning: this book may help you become a better person. A historian challenges us to hold ourselves to higher standards and do more for others.

PARENTING

3. The Family Dynamic by Susan Dominus (May)

If you’ve ever wondered how multiple kids in the same family go on to achieve great things, this is a must-read. It’s a captivating book by a tenacious journalist on how our early roots shape our later success.

4. Hello, Cruel World! by Melinda Wenner Moyer (May)

One of my favorite voices on parenting delivers an evidence-based, practical manual for nurturing resilience, kindness, critical thinking, and well-being in kids.

CHANGE

5. Four Days a Week by Juliet Schor (June)

Drawing on her pioneering trials of the 4-day work week around the globe, a sociologist demonstrates that it’s possible to do more in less time.

6. Resurface by Cassidy Krug (June)

A powerful book by an Olympic diver about how to navigate transitions, move on, and bounce forward.

MEMOIR

7. The Tell by Amy Griffin (March)

This book broke my heart and still left me filled with hope. An entrepreneur and investor has turned her life-shattering trauma into a life-giving gift.

8. Brain and Heart by David Sandberg (May)

A pediatric neurosurgeon takes us into the operating room to see some of humanity’s most important and difficult work up close.

9. The Next Day by Melinda French Gates (April)

The philanthropist and businesswoman opens up about letting go of perfectionism, leaving her foundation, and starting her next chapter.

WRITING

10. The Book of Alchemy by Suleika Jaouad (April)

A talented author and artist curates a collection of wisdom and writing prompts from some of the world’s top authors.

11. Dear Writer by Maggie Smith (April)

Sage advice on the creative process—and a dose of inspiration—from a beloved poet and writing teacher.

“I was wrong” is not a confession of failure. It’s a display of intellectual integrity.

“I don’t understand” is not a sign of stupidity. It’s a catalyst for intellectual curiosity.

Some articles that piqued my curiosity recently:

1. Why Can’t You Just Deal with It? (Joshua Rothman, New Yorker)

A case for prioritizing our enduring values and goals over our ephemeral emotions. “What you build today will still exist a year from now, and what you feel won’t.”

2. The Telepathy Trap (Daniel Egber, Atlantic)

The extraordinary claims that some children can read their parents’ minds are utterly unsupported by evidence. Sadly, it isn’t the first time.

3. Writing as Transformation (Louise Gluck, New Yorker)

An insightful exploration of how the words we put on the page change who we become.

From my desk

Read: No, You Don’t Get an A for Effort

I’m seeing a growing number of students complain: “My grade doesn’t reflect the effort I put into the course.” Public service announcement: High marks are for mastery, not for motivation. The true measure of learning is not the time and energy you put in—it’s the knowledge and skills you take out.

Listen:

• Improving teen mental health with Lisa Damour: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

• Should leaders be feared or loved with Niall Ferguson: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

• Sam Altman on the future of AI and humanity: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

• Rewriting your story with Allison Sweet Grant. February 11, 2025. Apple | Spotify | Transcript

In solidarity,

Adam

This is from my wife Allison Sweet Grant’s debut novel, I Am the Cage, which is out today. It’s inspired by her experience with childhood medical trauma, but it’s not a memoir—it’s a work of fiction. Watching her write it got me thinking about the benefits of reading novels.

Ever since I learned to read, I’ve been a superfan of fiction. But as an adult, I started to see it as something I do for fun, assuming that nonfiction is the best way to learn. New evidence proves me wrong.

It turns out that if you want to gain insight into other people’s thoughts, feelings, and motives, reading fiction typically beats nonfiction. Fiction is also better for enhancing empathy than watching TV and movies. Across 70 experiments, novels did more to boost concern for and understanding of others.

What’s unique about reading novels is that they invite us to imagine ourselves as the characters. When Katniss Everdeen, Harry Potter, or the March sisters are on a screen, you’re observing them. When you read their stories, you become them. Slowly but surely, that builds your capacity to see perspectives that aren’t yours and feel compassion for people who aren’t like you.

If you’re looking for some fiction to devour, here are my favorite recent reads:

• Coming of age: Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin

• Sci-fi: Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir

• Fantasy: The Magicians by Lev Grossman

• Thriller: Win by Harlan Coben

Allison’s taste is much more literary—she recommends:

• Historical: The Glassmaker by Tracy Chevalier

• Contemporary: A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara

• Romance: Call Me by Your Name by André Aciman

• Coming of age: The First Time She Drowned by Kerry Kletter

And if you’re interested in learning more about Allison’s work:

1. I Am the Cage is now available in print, audio, and ebook

2. She just published an article about the one lie she’ll never tell our children. Read it here

3. You can hear her on my podcast here: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

   We discuss parenting, being a supportive partner, strategies for managing anxiety and shame, creativity and the writing process, and what she wants me to rethink (yes to walking speed, no to magic tricks).

   She ended up doing some rethinking too: she thought no one would be interested in hearing her, but many listeners have written to say this was their all-time favorite episode.

My recommended reads to start 2025 are brimming with thought-provoking ideas and data points—and they won’t put you to sleep. The common threads are improving communication and relationships, increasing happiness and well-being, and igniting change.

Communication and Relationships

1. Calling In by Loretta Ross (February 4)

This book is the ultimate antidote to cancel culture. Drawing on her extensive experience talking people out of hate, a teacher and activist offers profound insights about how to get through to others—and maintain your own dignity along the way.

2. Validation by Caroline Fleck (February 18)

Warning: reading this book may make you a better parent, partner, colleague, and friend. A talented therapist offers a crash course in important and neglected skills for building, maintaining, and repairing relationships.

3. Ping by Andrew Brodsky (February 11)

Finally: an evidence-based guide to having better conversations by text, email, phone, video, and yes, even social media. An expert on virtual communication offers surprising insights and useful tips for avoiding misunderstandings and making genuine connections.

4. Outraged by Kurt Gray (January 14)

A riveting read on the roots of our bitterest conflicts—and the remedies for them. A leading light in moral psychology overturns widespread assumptions about why we’re divided and illuminates how we can come together.

Happiness and Well-Being

5. Shift by Ethan Kross (Feb 4)

If you think you can’t control what you feel, get ready to think again. This is a page-turner from a top psychologist that’s grounded in science and filled with practical insights on managing emotions.

6. Life in Three Dimensions by Shigehiro Oishi (February 4)

It turns out that there’s more to life than happiness and meaning. Building on his pioneering research, this psychologist introduces a third dimension of the good life: having new and interesting experiences.

Change

7. Defy by Sunita Sah (January 14)

A powerful book about overcoming peer pressure by a physician turned management professor. If you’ve ever compromised your principles to please others, Defy will give you the will—and the skill—to stand up for yourself.

8. Reset by Dan Heath (January 21)

One of my favorite behavioral science communicators explores how to fix what’s broken. It’s the long-awaited sequel to Switch.

9. Make Work Fair by Iris Bohnet and Siri Chilazi (January 28)

Whereas many discussions of DEI are driven by ideology, this book is grounded in evidence. It’s a timely resource for building workplaces that create opportunities for everyone to succeed and belong.

10. Superagency by Reid Hoffman and Greg Beato (January 28)

The influential entrepreneur-investor highlights the risks of not making advances in AI and reveals how it’s poised to transform our lives. It will leave you more informed—and excited—about the revolution that’s already underway.

It’s clear from your comments that many of you do too. Looking back on 2024, here are the articles that captured your attention and the conversations that stimulated your imagination:

Top articles:

1. No, You Don’t Owe Me a Favor

Generosity is not a loan to repay or a debt to settle. It's a gift to appreciate.

2. There’s a Place for Everyone

Why many people struggle to find their niche—and where yours might be hiding.

3. Writer Math

A short, hilarious take on writer’s block, procrastination, and looming deadlines.

4. Chicken Littles are Ruining America

Spreading doom and gloom is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

5. I Was Wrong About the Olympics

I used to think the ideal state of the world was transcending borders altogether. Going to Paris reminded me that rejecting negative nationalism doesn’t require us to abandon positive patriotism. You can love your people without hating others.

Top conversations:

6. Overcoming toxic positivity with psychologist Susan David: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

7. Should leaders be feared or loved? with historian Niall Ferguson: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

8. A company is not a family with Airbnb’s Brian Chesky: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

9. The secret to success isn’t power—it’s status: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

10. Malcolm Gladwell on the importance of self-correction: Apple | Spotify | Transcript

Whatever 2025 brings, here’s to filling it with growth and generosity.

In solidarity,

Adam

P.S. This is the opposite of ikigai 😆

Trump pitched himself to the American people as a business tycoon, someone who knew how to close deals, vanquish competitors, and create jobs. He said those experiences would make him an effective leader. Yet it turns out that what makes people successful in business is a risk factor for failure in politics.

Corporate America rewards achievement strivers—people who  love to aim high, work hard, and overcome obstacles. To see how those tendencies played out in the White House, psychologists scored presidential addresses on how often they referenced achievement. Years later, achievement-striving presidents got lower greatness ratings from historians, who also judged them as poorer decision makers and less politically skilled than their peers.

A prime example is Jimmy Carter. Although as a private citizen he had succeeded in revitalizing his family’s peanut farm, in the White House he struggled to control inflation, fuel prices, and escalating conflicts in Iran and Afghanistan. As the University of Michigan psychologist David Winter explains, the achievement-minded “president actively strives to accomplish things but becomes frustrated, dislikes the job, and ends up defeating himself.”

Winter wrote that looking backward in 2010, but he could have easily been looking ahead at Donald Trump.

When Winter scored Trump’s 2017 inauguration address, accomplishment was the most pronounced theme. You can hear it in his daily proclamations, too: He emphasizes progress and excellence. Make America great again. He talks about victory. We’re gonna win so much, you may even get tired of winning. He stresses unique accomplishments. A historic movement the likes of which the world has never seen before. And of course he expresses independent competence. I alone can fix this.

For most of his career, what Trump coveted was not political power but success and status. He flaunted his wealth, not his influence. And he never acknowledged defeat. Six bankruptcies didn’t stop him. Neither did the demise of Trump University, Trump Airlines, Trump Magazine, Trump Vodka or Trump Steaks.

In business, achievement striving pays off because leaders are in the driver’s seat. When Trump entered the Oval Office, he suddenly had to contend with the constraints that the Constitution, the legislature, and the courts have designed to limit a president’s power. Federal judges struck down his travel bans. Congress stymied his wall and impeached him. Policy advisors blew the whistle on his wheeling and dealing with foreign leaders. His own cabinet badmouthed him to the press. The justice department investigated his conduct. The government shut down. “This is more work than my previous life,” Trump lamented after just three months in office. “I thought it would be easier.”

David Winter is the world’s leading expert on presidential motives. Back in 2010, he warned of the “authoritarian shadow” that can follow achievement strivers: “When the political stakes are high and the sense of control is threatened or jeopardized, achievement-motivated leaders are likely to employ a variety of tactics—micromanagement, bypassing legislators with direct ‘appeals to the people,’ illegal acts, and in extreme cases, a coup d’e´tat—to restore their sense of being in control.”

Achievement strivers thrive when they’re in charge of their own destiny, free to build whatever walls they please. When they find themselves running into walls instead, they’re often willing to do whatever it takes to attain success and avoid failure. Especially if they’ve fallen short of their own past accomplishments—and even if it means crossing legal or moral lines. It may not be a coincidence that Richard Nixon scored high on achievement striving.

What many achievement strivers overlook is the critical distinction between persistence and obstinance. In the words of the technology entrepreneur and investor Paul Graham, “The persistent are like boats whose engines can't be throttled back. The obstinate are like boats whose rudders can't be turned.”

Once Trump set his sights on winning reelection, nothing could turn his rudder. When the votes didn’t go his way, he cycled through failing strategy after failing strategy, from accusations of fraud to appointments of fake electors to bogus lawsuits to pressuring his vice president to overturn the Electoral College count. Now if he ends up challenging the results of another election, he’ll be a private citizen without the federal government at his disposal. That might be part of the motivation behind his intensifying threats. As Trump’s former chief of staff, General John Kelly, recently observed: “I think he’d love to be just like he was in business—he could tell people to do things and they would do it.”

Pundits often debate how much leaders matter. Can a single person in power really make a difference? Research reveals that the answer depends on the sector. In business, CEOs are mostly interchangeable—they have relatively little impact on the financial performance of their firms. But in politics, leaders are more variable and more influential. Governors have an impact on crime and fiscal policy. Senators shape legislation; once they rise into committee leadership roles, those who show more virtues than vices get more bills passed into law. And heads of state affect an entire nation’s economic growth and decide whether to pursue peace or go to war.

It's true that outsiders may bring fresh ideas. But they often lack the expertise and experience to lead effectively. Economists find that we’re better off giving the reins to people who are skilled in the core work of the institution. Hospitals are more successful when they’re run by doctors, universities publish higher-impact research when they’re led by top scholars, and NBA teams fare better in the playoffs when they’re coached by former All-Star players. Running an entire country well requires knowledge and skill in governing and legislating.

Among historians, the consensus is that our greatest president was Abraham Lincoln. Before entering politics, he floundered in commerce. He bought a general store that went bust and he had to file for bankruptcy. He went on to spend a decade cutting his political teeth in the Illinois state legislature and the House of Representatives. What made Lincoln an exceptional leader was not his business acumen or his ambition—it was his character.

Lincoln had the generosity to hold regular office hours in which he heard the concerns of ordinary citizens. He had the humility to welcome his political rivals into his cabinet instead of surrounding himself with sycophants. He had the curiosity to read widely—despite his lack of formal education, he was a voracious student of the Bible, history, literature, law, and poetry.  And he had the integrity to end slavery, prizing honor and morality over popularity, power, and party.

The most important question about presidential candidates is not what success they’ve achieved in the private sector. It’s what principles they uphold as public servants.